Urinating in the middle of the night can cause a lot of psychological distress in a small house. I'm usually worried that the sound of the flushing toilet will wake everyone up. I would just leave it, but I don't want anyone to label me as a "non-flusher".
Here's the solution: urinate, then drop a square of toilet paper into the bowl. When the homeowner discovers your mess, he won't say, "Damnit, El Benda doesn't flush," he will say, "Damnit, La Benda doesn't flush."
El Benda is off the hook!
Some might ask, "What about poopies?"
Well, if you're pooping in the middle of the night, your eating habits might be unhealthy. . .that's your problem to fix. If you must, flush the toilet, then yell "I pooped!" in a girl voice when you walk out of the bathroom.
After much delay, I'm back. And stronger than ever. We're talking HER-CU-LES strong. Yep, that's me, El Benda. And it's all because I've found inner strength.
You see, devoted reader, I've got to come clean. In order to embrace the future, I must confront my past. The past few days have not been good. Sure, you may have thought that my lack of posts was simply because I was out, jet-setting and winning/dining hot babes who want me to father their children. And normally, you'd be right. When you live as good as El Benda, you really DO live. Well, except for the fact that El Benda ain't no baby daddy. You can't get me on no child support. No Ma'am.
And for that matter, you best get your facts right, fools.
Anyway, the truth is that I haven't been posting because I was put on super secret double dog suspension. . I risk bodily harm for revealing such terrible facts, but such is the truth. Just like people watch Charlie Gibson for the news and trust to get honestly written news, I too will be honest with you.
This last week has been heck. yes, heck. But just like the phoenix, I burned to the ground due to EXTREMELY hot BURNING fire. And from my ashes, I defied all the laws of physics and math and logic and have become rebuilt a stronger, firebird.
Ah, the song that got me through my struggles!
If you follow our twitter feed, you might have become aware of the news. And while Good and 6012 tried to downplay it, they were just helping me cover up. And I thank them for keeping it all business and not letting the truth out. But, now that I'm free, let me tell it to you straight. Its late on a friday night, and I need to get this off my chest.
(deep breath)
I, El Benda, was put on Noth You? probation. It was not Good and 6012's doing, it was our publisher, ( if it sounds smhog-pot dot kom, does it ing a bell?) that brought it on. It was internal, behind the scenes stuff. Stuff that normaly you wouldn't see.
Long story short, I wrote a post that was just TOO funny. At the end of the day, that is all it came down to. I got too clever and creative with a post. This post, if you recall, was about me opening up a restaurant. What confused me the most was that all I did was simply copy/paste my business plan on the internet. I was able to secure funding to open a SHONE-eeys restaurant, but apparently the real world and the digital world go together like water/oil. I should have learned my lesson from the Lawnmower Man or Tron.
So, I really overstepped my boundaries. I didnt read the big, worldwide memo that the internet was only for marginally funny accident videos, pornography, sports scores, porn, stock tips, ebay, netflix, and fetish pornography. I violated the contract by posting a column so original, so funny, so mezmerizing, that the internet would have crashed had it up any longer. So, they came to us, at Noth You?, and wanted blood. My blood. Rare, AB+ blood, that flows through the veins of El Benda. (And the lucky people who get my blood via RedCross)
So they came to us looking for BLOOD. Lucky for me, Good happens to know a lawyer, Mr. Jonesy Cochkill, IV. We hit up his pager. After waiting 10 minutes after class, CochKill was on the case. If the blog don't fit, you must aquit!... Or wait ten minutes after class. 6012 also called his 'fat' uncle, who had a different kind of negotiating power. Fearing a wait of 10 minutes after class and a loss of a few functioning fingers, we were able to make an agreement between all parties. I, El Benda, was to serve a week of punishment to atone for my crime.
This past week was rough. I'll spend my next post explaining the stuff I did when I was on double dog secret probation. But all you have to know now is that I never will write anything funny for the internets ever again. Just boring fart jokes for me!.
For now, let's celebrate a good time. I'm back and stronger than ever.
If there is one weakness of mine that everyone in my life is aware of; it's my ability to be really bad at playing basketball. Over the years, I've learned that this ability can be attributed to the fact that I am short, I don't practice, and I'm usually under slept or stoned.
I remember watching a movie about a young man who overcame his lack of "game" by turning into a werewolf.
The transition seems very painful and traumatic. It has been observed to come on very suddenly and abruptly, which could cause much discomfort.
After the tough part is over, you look like the picture above. Facial expression varies with personality. This model's expression: "I'm confused and scared while I look at myself in the mirror."
If it were me, I'd just be excited that in a few minutes I will be schooling all of my stupid classmates.
I never knew about the maximum jumping height of a werewolf, but the evidence suggests that it's enormous! This model is only 5'7", and he's going to dunk! SICK!!!
I'm 5'8", so I might even be able to add in a 360 degree spin before I jam that ball in.
When you're done beating your friends in basketball, document the experience. Take a shower, find some dungarees, get that ball, and smile for Mommy!
I'm convinced that ELO were creatures from a far and distant planet. Their music was quite heavenly to say the least. And they had awesome hair. Or was it hair? I say its just helmets! Space People! Watch out, they'll turn you to STONE
Here is the favorite track from the dudes at Noth, You?. (This Might be our current theme song!)
