Semi-annual 'HEY, WE'RE Back"

It's been a while since any of us have written anything. You might say that we've gotten lazy or indifferent towards keeping the handful of devoted


Here's what we have been doing over our most recent sabbattical. Rest assured it was far superior to anything you've done.

Good: Grew a beard. Shaved off afformentioned beard. Rinse, wash, repeat.
The rest is just details, becuase, honestly, when you grow a beard, everything else in life becomes second fiddle.

MMM...Beardy!



6012: After getting irritated by the lack of hostile takovers in the corporate business world, 6012 moved to Somalia to become a pirate. Armed with a small group of former wall street middle management types aching for a more exciting life, they sail the seas aboard the HMS Jonesifor. Aboard the ocean, no liquid assets are safe. The only TARP they need is a real blue tarp that they wrap around their prisoners. YO HO HO!

A standard 6012 Pirate Wench. Not too appealing on the eyes, but she still graduated atop her class at Wharton. A worthy Skally-wag!!

El Benda: Made a badass tuna-fish sandwich that was so good he hadto slap someone.

Unfortunately, that someone ended up being his landlord, and thus a messy legal dispute over intent. Read about it in the US 3rd Distirct Court Case of Bentaman v. T.UNA Feesh and the Incorport. It was a pretty heated case, ending up in hung jury. Before it could go to round 2 of arbitration, a settlement was reached.

I lost a fair share of pocket change, but I've since been able to make it up again as the face of Subway's new "TERRRIFIC TUNA SANDWICH". The ad has gone viral, and so far has a ton of hits. In a nutshell, Jared tries to eat the new subway Terrific Tuna (*NOW WITH EXTRA DOLPHIN BITS FOR FLAVOR*) sandwich.

THE AD TREATMENT

Jared sits alone at a Subway sanwich shop. I'm sitting next to him. After I get up to make some bowel movements, Jared slides into chair. Jared rubs his hands excitedly, and picks up MY sandwich. As he takes a bite I run up screaming and sucker punch him in the back of the head. He immediately gets knocked unconcious. I yell:

"MOTHERFATHER YOU BETTER NOT MESS WITH MY (turns and looks at the camera and smiles..tone slows down)...Delicious and nutricious Subway Jones Special, the Turrific Tuna sandwich. Now with extra dolphin bits for extra taste. Get it toasted! Eat it when you're Toasted!"

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But seriously, I honestly wish I did this;

So, now that we've covered those grounds, lets get back to business. Break out your Tom Jones Cds, get your fresh pot of coffee, take a piss break and then prepare for the greatest periodically updated website founded in 2009.

AND THEN EMBRACE THE NOTH.

me neith.

In Honor of Good growing a BEARD

Sorry Good, but you have work to do...

Fresh Pots Fanmail

Since I posted the video of Dave Grohl needing some fresh pots (during the Them Crooked Vultures" sessions), I have been bombarded with lots of noth-mail (WHAT I CALL FAN MAIL) about their love for coffee.

Here are some choice samples


Dear El Benda

Coffee Rox. I drink like 4 cups a day. Sure, it makes me pee quite a bit. BUT I LOVE IT

Keep up the Good Work!

-Amy
Macon, GA

Thanks Amy! Or should i say, A-pee? Sounds like you've got this b-room situation down solid!



Dear Nothyou,

Do you guys actually drink coffee? Or was this all just NOTHsense. I know you guys like to mess around. Jokesters. Fibbers. I just want to the facts right.

Sweet Eddie,
Jonesville, Conenecticut

Sweet Eddie?
Where do you get off?!? You call yourself a fan of the blog, but then you drop the hate in our faces? Why I outta find out where you live and come over and slap you silly!



YOU WONT LIKE THAT, WILL YOU?!
Yeah, 2/3 us at NothYou incorporated really enjoy the beverage.

Good has been known to drink a gallon a day after a long weekend of 'deens. He prefers StarDeens Breakfast blend. Its nutty, and always guaranteed to surprise you.

6012 does not drink coffee. At least not anymore. Back in the day, 6012 was a power drinker himself. It was many years ago, when he was a future-arms dealer in Japan. After all nighters trying to sell Tengutech to rival gangs, 6012 used to relax over a bowl of Udon and Coffee. Yeah, that's right. He drank coffee at night because he never slept. ever. But now that he's accepted a new way (cough, cough, jonesism?)

As for me, El Benda, well, what can I say? I've had a long relationship with the bev-er-age. My own progressive mother nursed me on the stuff. She felt that the proper nutritious diet for a baby of great future-importance was Coffee, Beets, and corned beef. After I got jaundice and skurvy, she changed her nursing habits. Sure I got stronger and healthier, but I think she still regrets that decision. Friggin' DEFACS!

But I still had a love for the drink. I have a coffee-of-the-day calender in my room. I attend fair trade rallies where I through organic blended Ethiopian beans at big suit fat-cats. And, If you are lucky enough to go on a date with me, you know I'll take you for coffee before AND after we make sweet sweet sexual intercourse.

(Did I mention I worked on GTA san andreas?)

Plus, lately, I'm that guy in your local coffeeshop. Blackberry and Bluetooth dude? No! I'm actually that other guy in the coffee shop in that I work there. I grind the beans, clean the filters, and recommend you shitty alternative music to listen to while you munch on your scone. You see, with all the wealth that this blog has given me, I decided to be like a commoner and work a 'regular' job. (And sometimes, when customers arent looking, I stick my fingers in the pots. Sure it burns my fingers now, but it gives me an immense sense of self-satisfaction knowing that people are drinking fresh pots of joe that have touched my unwashed hands.)



And finally, I just happened to get a bizarre email. This is all it said:


HAY YOU GUYZ.



COUGH-HEEEE

Yeah. I have no idea either. Weirdo.

Fresh Pots

friday link-fun




Thank you, dave grohl.

Mi meme, me me me

Since We've been on a sabattical, I often find subliminal messages written to me in comics:



HEY SPIDEY. SHUT UP. You don't know me! You don't know the kind of stuff I do in my spare time. Mostly, when I'm not training for my 1st chair concert piano, I dabble in many things. Andrew, what are your thoughts on the matter?



My sentiments exactly! Well, not only that. You see, I picked up this habit when I was in Des Moines. At the Hilton Hotel bar. I remember the scene quite vividly, almost like I was in a movie.




And now, the mere thought of leaving mid-action and window-popping haunts my thoughts. Plus, I though 'deens was just an inside joke for inside kids, but nowadays it seems like the media is trying to capitalize on the trend in ads.




LONG STORY SHORT. I have had too much fun making these images, and trying to form a cohesive storyline together is pretty stupid.

Thoughts?




THIS POST WAS SPONSORED BY BOWTIES, the new unoficial clothing line of NoTHyou



SHOWN!

Hate Mail

Dear 'Noth, you?',

Screw you. You dumb jerks.

There is this movie called 'Deep Blue Sea'. It ain't too bad. Exciting, but highly implausible at times. For instance, one of the surviving characters juked out a shark. That scene really flippin' threw me over the edge; almost to the point of simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea. I hate that scene and I think it stinks, which made me think of your blog because I think it is stupid and it stinks. I'm glad you went on hiatus. Like that actor can't dodge a shark attack, you can't be funny. So quit for real.

What are you even trying to do here? These jokes stink. Oh, wow, you guys know about The Onion. Nice model to follow, especially since The Onion isn't even that funny anymore. Mocking the news went out of style when it became the cool thing to do.

Hey, El Benda, you're not even Spanish! You're Mexican! Don't you know anything?

Yo, 6012, enough with the mysterious superhero jibber jabber. Is your superhero cape made out of poop? I bet it is, judging by the crap you write. I can smell it too.

Good, you can go fall off of a camel for all I care. Ohh, you're so neat and funny. Yeah, sure, you're just about as funny as Home Alone 3 during an opiate withdrawal.

Pish, I don't have time for this baloney. I have to go smoke a butt, dude.

- B.H. Obama

P.S. Do zombies like tennis?

Attention:

WE'RE BACK!

Truth: This is How I wake up

Serious talk here: My Brother, Del Benda, sent me the following email;

"I bet this is how you wake up every day"



And He's absolutely correct.

Life = art, my friends.

The Problem With Sparknotes

Yo yo. I used to hit up sparknotes when I didn't have time to read an assigned book. Who am I kidding? I always had time, but I ain't doing that reading stuff.

I'd usually walk into class and be like, "Yo, 6012, did you 'spark it up' last night?"

She would always respond, "Yes."

In case you are wondering, 'sparking it up' = reading sparknotes.

O7


Let's get to the point now: students visit sparknotes to avoid reading, but many of these 'notes' are a lot of reading as well.

The solution?


GoodNotes!!
**Spoiler Alert**
It's easy, GoodNotes gives you the gist so you can nod your head along with just enough confidence to not seem like a complete retard dumb dick.





Crime and Punishment - Man asks self, "Can I kill?"

Heart of Darkness - European man decides that Africa sucks and that he hates it.

The Catcher in the Rye - Kid thinks about the past then goes to the nut house.

The Giver - Kid hangs out with old man then runs away from home.

The Pearl - Don't be greedy because you'll end up shooting your baby.

The Odyssey - Man goes away for a long time and experiences a lot of things. Then he comes back and his dog knows it's him.

Night - The holocaust fucking sucked!


Great Expectations - Young orphan grows up and becomes a gentleman.


The Scarlet Letter - She cheated, and boy, did she pay!


The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Crazy kid does crazy shit, all of the time.

Oedipus Rex - Main character is informed about what will happen, and then it happens.

The Great Gatsby - Rich man throws huge benders, then gets shot.








Possibly more to come.

Survivors of Nuclear Blast find comfort in craigslist support group

His testimony was horrifying. Mr. James Nichols: "It all happened in a flash. I was sitting in my room reading Satre, and the next thing I knew the earth began to shake. I saw a bright light through my window. The next thing I remember, I was laying on the floor and I felt like I was on fire.

Mr. Nichols added, "For a few years, I was a social outcast. My entire body had been damaged. But then I saw the posting on craigslist. It was a support group where no one felt pity. We all just meet and hang out, no pretense. And I knew it just felt right. Now I can sit around with my new buddies and discuss Chomksy, Agro-politics, and the Space Program.

It's nice to know that even if your body gets charred and destroyed from intense radiation, you can still find a support group to sit around and drink away the pain. I wonder if this is what Hiroshima or Nagasaki looked like at the end of the war...

Metal Monday

I missed the last one around. Too bad I'm too metal to care.

Alas, you need not worry. I'm currently revising my stuff and doing last minute research for my next post. the subject is nothing else but the sweet sounds of Metal from Germany.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, here's a personal favorite video of mine.

It's from Dokken, easily the best Hair Metal band from the 80s. Donny Dokken's voice works well, but it's really all about George Lynch on guitar. This isn't their best song ('Into the Fire', no brainer) but it IS their best video.

Best parts:
-the second verse, starting at 1:13
-When they in fact break chains.

Sometimes subtlety isn't a bad thing, Don.

SPEAKERS FOR NOTHFEST ANNOUNCED!

Since the last post, I've been able to secure a few awesome lectures for NOTHFEST.

Note the times, as these events will start AS SCHEDULED

8:30PM
Topic: How to be Cool
Speaker: Otto The Orange:

Famous Mascot Otto the Orange shows us what's cool!
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9:oo PM
Topic: How to Scare the SHIT out of 8 year olds
Speaker: R.L. Stine
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9;30
Topic: Michael Jackson is full of shit; or How being dead doesn't always mean more record sales and deification.
Speaker: The Ghost of John Denver

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE INCLUDED!
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10:00 PM
The Jane Jones Honorary Round table:
Discussion: A variety of topics will be addressed. We're letting the speakers decide this one, so it's sure to be a blast!

Featuring Panel:

Childhood Star Christopher Castile

Snake-Eater Jean!

Fans of the Hartford Whalers

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Refreshments and food to follow the event.


Be there or be raised to the power of two.