New Yearz (WITH Resolutions)

Greetings,

So another year has come and gone. La-di-freakin-da.

I spent my New Years Eve the same way I had spent the event the past ten years; huddled up in my makeshift underground fort, armed to the teeth with bullets, fearing the rise of Skynet. Sooner or later, the machines will rise and destroy us all. You best believe I'm waiting to go out, all guns blazing. But, after another NYE without incident, I can sleep well knowing that John Connors (and a Terminator?) have successfully thwarted another attempt.

The Machine that will KILL us when we least expect it.

Alas, since I'm still quite alive, I think an informative New Year's post is in order. There are a lot of questions I've had throughout my life when discussing NYE. I used to sit and ponder what

These questions haunted me for years. But after intense periods of academic study and formulating theories about the day, I've come to a very finite conclusion. Namely, that New Years is really just about three things.

First, NYE is shameless excuse to get drunk. On most other nights, one is not encouraged to drink more than you can handle. However, its not truly a NYE event unless you mess up the count-down because you're drunk and have no sense of time and space

Scenario:
Drunk GOOD: ITS ALMOST TIME!
Drunk El Benda: 10, 9
Drunk 6012: 7, 61, 32, 5, 2, 1002,
Drunk Good: 3, 2, 67
Drunk Benda: Happy New year! Wait. Its only 9:15 PM. What just happened
(pause)
Drunk Good: Oh Jones!
Drunk 6012: YOU DONT KNOW ME!!!!

Additionally, there is one more aspect to extreme inebriation of NYE, and that is to make out with a random girl you met that night at the same party. Once again, this aspect is also viewed with mixed opinions outside of the NYE bubble. While brothers in frats might disagree, the Men of Noth You are classy and won't just make out with any flooz or lush.
However, at NYE parties, that's called "WHAT HAPPENS AT MIDNIGHT". And that is that. It IS important to note that Beer goggles are also an essential part of the equation, as it helps BOTH parties involved. Cos face it- we're both average looking people, and our drunken imaginations make the event run much smoother.

Secondly, NYE is important because it helps keep our economy afloat. Specifically, the novelty glasses division. There is a huge industry of novelty glasses makers. These honest, hardworking folk often go overlooked when talking about the recent recession. And while it seems like EVERYONE has received bail-out money (NOTH YOU used our TARP money for a pet iguana and one ton of rock candy), it seems our administration forgot about these lowly glass-makers. SHAME! (shown?) These are people who spend countless hours imagining how the next year can be aesthetically demonstrated on cheap plastic glasses. And we simply forget??

Good and 6012 model vintage NYE glasses. Good is wearing last year's model. 6012 is still sentimental for 1991, the year he passed the first grade ("Best Year of my Goddamn life." - 6012)

So, on NYE, its our duty to help prop up our economy by buying these novelty items. Without buying these, a significant portion of the workforce will be unemployed.
Plus, honestly, how else can you feel good about standing for hours outside in uncomfortably large mobs in sub-Arctic temperatures than by wearing these sweet shades?

Third, and most importantly, NYE is most important because we set resolutions. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, because NYE resolutions are the only time in the year where we get all sentimental about what we are going to do the next year. Who honestly thinks about losing weight or stopping cigarette smoking at other times? No one, because we're too pleasured by/hooked on our vices. Even though most of the time these resolutions fail, it is during this time of year that we think about ways that we COULD change ourselves, but most likely will turn back to our slovenly ways.

SO, on that note, what are our resolutions?

El Benda
1) Develop a drug habit. (I'm open to suggestions as to which drugs. Meth? Psychedelics? Pepto-Bismol?)
2) Hit on your cousin while at your birthday party (while you are in the bathroom)
3) Successfully start a family band with my two brothers and six cousins. We'd be a Klezmer band (since you probably don't know what genre that is; http://tinyurl.com/36uplf )
We would also wear the same outfits (overalls over bare chests, berets, thick beards).


Good
1) Create All-Beef Chicken, sell it to the Green Giant
2) Wear a suit to the voting booth, fart at the exact moment when he places a vote for congressman
3) Kill.

6012
1) Make strides towards actually becoming a Mega Man
2) Start a movement for the 'L" in BLT to change from 'lettuce' to 'lasanga' in hopes that his favorite afternoon snack will become a global trend
3) Finally complete mime school and earn his Mime Baccalareate Accrediation

Combined Resolutions of NOTH YOU?
1) Learn how to play the Kiss Disco Hit "I was made for loving you" in our garage band, where Good plays triangle, El Benda plays a washboard, and 6012 plays kazoo. El Benda and Good will alternate singing lead.



2) Blog more in 2010.

3) THROW A KICK-ASS FESTIVAL. A NOTH FEST, if you will

OH SH-NAP. I THINK IT WILL BE DONE!