And Good thought he could keep his holiday practices to himself. Beware of the internet, where all your dark secrets can be posted semi-anonymously.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A Tip For The Guys
Urinating in the middle of the night can cause a lot of psychological distress in a small house. I'm usually worried that the sound of the flushing toilet will wake everyone up. I would just leave it, but I don't want anyone to label me as a "non-flusher".
Here's the solution: urinate, then drop a square of toilet paper into the bowl. When the homeowner discovers your mess, he won't say, "Damnit, El Benda doesn't flush," he will say, "Damnit, La Benda doesn't flush."
El Benda is off the hook!
Some might ask, "What about poopies?"
Well, if you're pooping in the middle of the night, your eating habits might be unhealthy. . .that's your problem to fix. If you must, flush the toilet, then yell "I pooped!" in a girl voice when you walk out of the bathroom.
BLAME!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
One more way to be good at Basketball
Yell "Jones!" every time you drive to the rim.
This way, you don't have to grow unsightly body hair or get bitten by a wolf.
This way, you don't have to grow unsightly body hair or get bitten by a wolf.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
El Benda Banned? Yessir! The Inside Story, Pt. 1
After much delay, I'm back. And stronger than ever. We're talking HER-CU-LES strong. Yep, that's me, El Benda. And it's all because I've found inner strength.
You see, devoted reader, I've got to come clean. In order to embrace the future, I must confront my past. The past few days have not been good. Sure, you may have thought that my lack of posts was simply because I was out, jet-setting and winning/dining hot babes who want me to father their children. And normally, you'd be right. When you live as good as El Benda, you really DO live. Well, except for the fact that El Benda ain't no baby daddy. You can't get me on no child support. No Ma'am.
And for that matter, you best get your facts right, fools.
Anyway, the truth is that I haven't been posting because I was put on super secret double dog suspension. . I risk bodily harm for revealing such terrible facts, but such is the truth. Just like people watch Charlie Gibson for the news and trust to get honestly written news, I too will be honest with you.
This last week has been heck. yes, heck. But just like the phoenix, I burned to the ground due to EXTREMELY hot BURNING fire. And from my ashes, I defied all the laws of physics and math and logic and have become rebuilt a stronger, firebird.
If you follow our twitter feed, you might have become aware of the news. And while Good and 6012 tried to downplay it, they were just helping me cover up. And I thank them for keeping it all business and not letting the truth out. But, now that I'm free, let me tell it to you straight. Its late on a friday night, and I need to get this off my chest.
(deep breath)
I, El Benda, was put on Noth You? probation. It was not Good and 6012's doing, it was our publisher, ( if it sounds smhog-pot dot kom, does it ing a bell?) that brought it on. It was internal, behind the scenes stuff. Stuff that normaly you wouldn't see.
Long story short, I wrote a post that was just TOO funny. At the end of the day, that is all it came down to. I got too clever and creative with a post. This post, if you recall, was about me opening up a restaurant. What confused me the most was that all I did was simply copy/paste my business plan on the internet. I was able to secure funding to open a SHONE-eeys restaurant, but apparently the real world and the digital world go together like water/oil. I should have learned my lesson from the Lawnmower Man or Tron.
So, I really overstepped my boundaries. I didnt read the big, worldwide memo that the internet was only for marginally funny accident videos, pornography, sports scores, porn, stock tips, ebay, netflix, and fetish pornography. I violated the contract by posting a column so original, so funny, so mezmerizing, that the internet would have crashed had it up any longer. So, they came to us, at Noth You?, and wanted blood. My blood. Rare, AB+ blood, that flows through the veins of El Benda. (And the lucky people who get my blood via RedCross)
So they came to us looking for BLOOD. Lucky for me, Good happens to know a lawyer, Mr. Jonesy Cochkill, IV. We hit up his pager. After waiting 10 minutes after class, CochKill was on the case. If the blog don't fit, you must aquit!... Or wait ten minutes after class. 6012 also called his 'fat' uncle, who had a different kind of negotiating power. Fearing a wait of 10 minutes after class and a loss of a few functioning fingers, we were able to make an agreement between all parties. I, El Benda, was to serve a week of punishment to atone for my crime.
This past week was rough. I'll spend my next post explaining the stuff I did when I was on double dog secret probation. But all you have to know now is that I never will write anything funny for the internets ever again. Just boring fart jokes for me!.
For now, let's celebrate a good time. I'm back and stronger than ever.
-EL BENDA
You see, devoted reader, I've got to come clean. In order to embrace the future, I must confront my past. The past few days have not been good. Sure, you may have thought that my lack of posts was simply because I was out, jet-setting and winning/dining hot babes who want me to father their children. And normally, you'd be right. When you live as good as El Benda, you really DO live. Well, except for the fact that El Benda ain't no baby daddy. You can't get me on no child support. No Ma'am.
And for that matter, you best get your facts right, fools.
Anyway, the truth is that I haven't been posting because I was put on super secret double dog suspension. . I risk bodily harm for revealing such terrible facts, but such is the truth. Just like people watch Charlie Gibson for the news and trust to get honestly written news, I too will be honest with you.
This last week has been heck. yes, heck. But just like the phoenix, I burned to the ground due to EXTREMELY hot BURNING fire. And from my ashes, I defied all the laws of physics and math and logic and have become rebuilt a stronger, firebird.
Ah, the song that got me through my struggles!
If you follow our twitter feed, you might have become aware of the news. And while Good and 6012 tried to downplay it, they were just helping me cover up. And I thank them for keeping it all business and not letting the truth out. But, now that I'm free, let me tell it to you straight. Its late on a friday night, and I need to get this off my chest.
(deep breath)
I, El Benda, was put on Noth You? probation. It was not Good and 6012's doing, it was our publisher, ( if it sounds smhog-pot dot kom, does it ing a bell?) that brought it on. It was internal, behind the scenes stuff. Stuff that normaly you wouldn't see.
Long story short, I wrote a post that was just TOO funny. At the end of the day, that is all it came down to. I got too clever and creative with a post. This post, if you recall, was about me opening up a restaurant. What confused me the most was that all I did was simply copy/paste my business plan on the internet. I was able to secure funding to open a SHONE-eeys restaurant, but apparently the real world and the digital world go together like water/oil. I should have learned my lesson from the Lawnmower Man or Tron.
So, I really overstepped my boundaries. I didnt read the big, worldwide memo that the internet was only for marginally funny accident videos, pornography, sports scores, porn, stock tips, ebay, netflix, and fetish pornography. I violated the contract by posting a column so original, so funny, so mezmerizing, that the internet would have crashed had it up any longer. So, they came to us, at Noth You?, and wanted blood. My blood. Rare, AB+ blood, that flows through the veins of El Benda. (And the lucky people who get my blood via RedCross)
So they came to us looking for BLOOD. Lucky for me, Good happens to know a lawyer, Mr. Jonesy Cochkill, IV. We hit up his pager. After waiting 10 minutes after class, CochKill was on the case. If the blog don't fit, you must aquit!... Or wait ten minutes after class. 6012 also called his 'fat' uncle, who had a different kind of negotiating power. Fearing a wait of 10 minutes after class and a loss of a few functioning fingers, we were able to make an agreement between all parties. I, El Benda, was to serve a week of punishment to atone for my crime.
This past week was rough. I'll spend my next post explaining the stuff I did when I was on double dog secret probation. But all you have to know now is that I never will write anything funny for the internets ever again. Just boring fart jokes for me!.
For now, let's celebrate a good time. I'm back and stronger than ever.
-EL BENDA
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Oprah Stinks!
Oprah interviewed a young girl with schizophrenia and she asked, "Do you ever think sometimes that you're different?"
Seriously, Oprah, you're an asshole.
I know this blog is intended for jokes, but sometime even the jokers must rave.
Oprah the ignoramus.
Seriously, Oprah, you're an asshole.
I know this blog is intended for jokes, but sometime even the jokers must rave.
Oprah the ignoramus.
Friday, October 02, 2009
If You Turn Into Teen Wolf, You Might Get Better At Basketball
If there is one weakness of mine that everyone in my life is aware of; it's my ability to be really bad at playing basketball. Over the years, I've learned that this ability can be attributed to the fact that I am short, I don't practice, and I'm usually under slept or stoned.
I remember watching a movie about a young man who overcame his lack of "game" by turning into a werewolf.
The transition seems very painful and traumatic. It has been observed to come on very suddenly and abruptly, which could cause much discomfort.
After the tough part is over, you look like the picture above. Facial expression varies with personality. This model's expression: "I'm confused and scared while I look at myself in the mirror."
If it were me, I'd just be excited that in a few minutes I will be schooling all of my stupid classmates.
I never knew about the maximum jumping height of a werewolf, but the evidence suggests that it's enormous! This model is only 5'7", and he's going to dunk! SICK!!!
I'm 5'8", so I might even be able to add in a 360 degree spin before I jam that ball in.
When you're done beating your friends in basketball, document the experience. Take a shower, find some dungarees, get that ball, and smile for Mommy!
WOLF!
I remember watching a movie about a young man who overcame his lack of "game" by turning into a werewolf.
The transition seems very painful and traumatic. It has been observed to come on very suddenly and abruptly, which could cause much discomfort.
After the tough part is over, you look like the picture above. Facial expression varies with personality. This model's expression: "I'm confused and scared while I look at myself in the mirror."
If it were me, I'd just be excited that in a few minutes I will be schooling all of my stupid classmates.
I never knew about the maximum jumping height of a werewolf, but the evidence suggests that it's enormous! This model is only 5'7", and he's going to dunk! SICK!!!
I'm 5'8", so I might even be able to add in a 360 degree spin before I jam that ball in.
When you're done beating your friends in basketball, document the experience. Take a shower, find some dungarees, get that ball, and smile for Mommy!
WOLF!
Music From THe Future (via the Past)
I'm convinced that ELO were creatures from a far and distant planet. Their music was quite heavenly to say the least. And they had awesome hair. Or was it hair? I say its just helmets! Space People! Watch out, they'll turn you to STONE
Here is the favorite track from the dudes at Noth, You?.
(This Might be our current theme song!)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
FOUND YOU!
(Good and 6012, without any makeup)Good and 6012 caught buying monogrammed his/hers hand towels at the local super store. You guys can't stay incognito for too long! Silly guys!
Special thanks to our reader, Jimmy Floyd De la Croix for the fantastic photo find. Great work Jimmy! You win a blank cassette tape from 1992 and a hearty handshake from all three bloggers. (Handshake to be granted when we feel like it, void where prohibitted.)
Keep your photos coming!
Mullet Justification
I regret nothing. I just merely wanted to state why I looked so badass in that picture.
1. I'm too busy being awesome to worry about hair.
2. My hair matches my life philosophy. Business in the front (when I'm on the job, its nothing but hard work for me). And Party in the back ( as soon as quitin' time comes round, its nothing but good times on the reg, sex on the reg, yachts on the reg. Basically, all the finer things in life. Thank you, Mr. Powers for that Philosophy.
3. My answering machine is busted. My dad called me and told me to, "Wear your sunday best to this photo shoot. We need a great xmas card!" I heard, "Hi son. be cool. grow a mullet." I knew that message was too good to be true.
4. The main reason, is that I have been working as a touring roadie for .38 Special. I have a small cameo in this AMAZING video, see if you can find me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXQDWuitMZc
(Couldn't embed. bastards!)
This is probably the greatest and most dated music video ever. I love southern rock, damnit. And let me tell you, life on the road is no joke. Yeah, there are groupies, which is awful swell and all. but periodically you are sober and actually need to work. Sheesh.
(side note. I'm not joking when I say i REALLY like this song. As much of a non-southerner I am, damnit I love this song. Pure southern rock.)
1. I'm too busy being awesome to worry about hair.
2. My hair matches my life philosophy. Business in the front (when I'm on the job, its nothing but hard work for me). And Party in the back ( as soon as quitin' time comes round, its nothing but good times on the reg, sex on the reg, yachts on the reg. Basically, all the finer things in life. Thank you, Mr. Powers for that Philosophy.
3. My answering machine is busted. My dad called me and told me to, "Wear your sunday best to this photo shoot. We need a great xmas card!" I heard, "Hi son. be cool. grow a mullet." I knew that message was too good to be true.
4. The main reason, is that I have been working as a touring roadie for .38 Special. I have a small cameo in this AMAZING video, see if you can find me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXQDWuitMZc
(Couldn't embed. bastards!)
This is probably the greatest and most dated music video ever. I love southern rock, damnit. And let me tell you, life on the road is no joke. Yeah, there are groupies, which is awful swell and all. but periodically you are sober and actually need to work. Sheesh.
(side note. I'm not joking when I say i REALLY like this song. As much of a non-southerner I am, damnit I love this song. Pure southern rock.)
El Benda Shunned By Family
Award-winning blogger upsets family by showing up with a mullet to the annual family photograph.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
**New!!! Noth, you? Character Study **New!!!
The Noth, you? team has initiated phase one of what we'd like to call: "Character Study".
It has come to our attention that many people can be categorized into basic archetypes. You may meet a jackass in Massachusetts, then drive to Montana to find a very similar jackass.
Today's Character Study: The 'say the same thing to you every time I see you guy'.
This guy could be one or all of three things: forgetful, one who thinks all are forgetful, or just that unoriginal.
The simplest example of this type of jackass is a guy/girl who will tell you the same story, or same set of instructions, more than twice.
This next example will overlap with another type of character, which will be mentioned in the next post. This example includes Comment Guy. This guy just has to say something to you no matter what. Comment guy becomes "say the same thing every time I see you guy" when he runs out of annoying comments to make.
Now the example: I arrive to work. Larry sarcastically asks, "you still work here?" Needless to say, he will say this again next time. Then he will say it again. And again.
If you, or someone you know, is a "comment guy" or a "say the same thing every time I see you guy", please try to remember that you being stupid does not mean that everyone else is stupid. Trust the brains of the others around you. They'll remember what you said. Especially if you say it every day.
It has come to our attention that many people can be categorized into basic archetypes. You may meet a jackass in Massachusetts, then drive to Montana to find a very similar jackass.
Today's Character Study: The 'say the same thing to you every time I see you guy'.
This guy could be one or all of three things: forgetful, one who thinks all are forgetful, or just that unoriginal.
The simplest example of this type of jackass is a guy/girl who will tell you the same story, or same set of instructions, more than twice.
This next example will overlap with another type of character, which will be mentioned in the next post. This example includes Comment Guy. This guy just has to say something to you no matter what. Comment guy becomes "say the same thing every time I see you guy" when he runs out of annoying comments to make.
Now the example: I arrive to work. Larry sarcastically asks, "you still work here?" Needless to say, he will say this again next time. Then he will say it again. And again.
If you, or someone you know, is a "comment guy" or a "say the same thing every time I see you guy", please try to remember that you being stupid does not mean that everyone else is stupid. Trust the brains of the others around you. They'll remember what you said. Especially if you say it every day.
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