How will they make New year's glasses this year?

From the bottom of our spleens, happy new year from Noth You. Here's to more crap posts aimed specifically for your procrastination.

Big things are afoot here. In a matter of days, we're going to announce the biggest event EVER. Keep it posted.

-el benda

Meet My Granny

I need you to meet someone who is near and dear to me. My dear old Granny.

Her name is Joan Jones. She makes the best Cabbage Soup and Peach Cobbler this side of Columbus, GA. She's got more stories about the Great War effort than your grandpappy. She winks at you when you take her (sugarfree) hard candy. She still has a crush on the Smothers Brothers. She might have been against the civil rights movement, but never will admit to it. She's had two short stories accepted to Ladies Old Journal in the 1940s. She plays a mean slide guitar.

All in all, one hell of a granny!

One more time... Mrs. Joan Jones!

More Facts!
-Mother of 12 (her vagina was quite a factory!)
-Had a dog named Biscuits throughout the entire Eisenhower Administration.
-Smells like old lady farts.

Good Profiles: Killers, The

The Killers became a band in 1990 when the band members were students in the public schools of Seattle, WA. They used to talk to Nirvana on the phone, but that privilege was taken away when Kurt Cobain was called too late on a school night. Cobain's mother was upset by this and, to this day, hates The Killers. The Killers became famous when they played music at a bar one night and everybody liked it. They've made ten albums: The Killers' First Album, The Killers' Second Album, We Will Kill, We Killed, When Should We Kill, Now?, We Are The Killers, Band Name ---> Social Behavior?, The Killers Celebrate Chinese New Year, The Killers Greatest Hit(s), and The Killers Are Back.

Above is a picture of The Killers. From left to right:

Mutey: He has never said a word ever. He stands next to Drewski and pretends to play bass.

Drewski: Retired fashion diva, he sings. He is the self-described leader and founder of the band. He gathered the crew together in order to form a short-lived pop boy band to impress his math teacher, but the immediate success forced the band to play forever...for...everrrrr.

Weird Face: Weird Face got his name because his parents needed to change his name so he wouldn't always think he was being made fun of. His original name was Weird Hair. Weird Face plays drums and always looks like he's hiding a secret joke from someone. Weird Face pushed for the name, "The Killers" because he wanted to seem tough.

Jim Morrison's brother: He isn't really Jim Morrison's brother, but The Killers used this to get fans. Also, when he makes that face, he looks like that famous picture of J.M. (you know, the one every tool-douche has a poster of?). Jim Morrison's brother plays the hair-guitar machine. You'll have to look it up on Wikipedia because I am not an expert, and everyone hates someone who explains something they know absolutely nothing about. People magazine reported last week that they want to kick Jim Morrison's brother out of the band because his eyes are too close together, and he is usually sad. Also, Mutey is mad at him for something that neither of them will talk about.

Killers, The?

GET IT!??!?!

Here at Noth you, we consider ourselves purveyors of sweet phrases. We've introduced and educated you on proper phrases like "Jones" and 07. Well, now is time for a new phrase:


"GET IT?!??!?! GET IT??!?!?

And its SO EASY To use!

Steps for proper usage:

1) Tell obnoxiously obvious pun in remarks to someone's comment
2) Let the person roll their eyes.
3) Look at the person.
4) Yell out, "GET IT?!??!"
5) Proceed to explain obvious pun.
6) Repeat "Get IT??" as many time as needed. Extra times for emphasis can be effective, but a simple yelling once also has a strong effect. You can also add in assorted gestures and winks as needed.


Examples:
A)
(Good and 6012 are at a centrally located park, watching ducks in a pond)
6012: Those are some big ducks. I bet the tourists feed them a lot.
Good: I think they're hungry now. Lets feed them some QUACKERS
6012: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Good: GET IT?!?!
(pause)
Good:They're ducks. They quack! Quack sounds like the first part of crackers, a food you would eat. They're ducks. if they are hungry, they eat QUACKERS
6012: (sighs)
Good: GET IT!?!?!? GET IT??!!

B)
El Benda: What's your favorite video game?
6012: Mega Man
El Benda: You would say you are a huge fan of it?
6012: (sigh) El B, pleas-
El Benda: You're a MEGA FAN??? GET IT?!?!
6012: Shut -
El Benda: Becuase its your favorite game, you are clearly a fan! Fan rhymes with MAN. GET IT? GET IT? GET IT??

The great thing about this phrase is that you can use it whenever. All you need is a touch of terrible wit, and you are good to go. You can use it anywhere, too!
-Spice up your boring business meeting!
-Yell it to your religious leader!
-Yell it out in the theater! Make a pun about the actors hairlines. Bonus points if it is while seeing "Ole Yeller"

GET IT??!? GET IT?!!? BECAUSE YOU'RE YELLING OUT AT A FILM THAT SHARES A SIMILAR TITLE! GET IT!?!??! GET IT??!

EL BENDA: DEFINITELY GETS IT
6012: GETS IT SOMETIMES
GOOD: ON ODD-NUMBERED DAYS IN MONTHS WITH 31 DAYS

A Simple Reminder

JONES!

Good: An Alibi

I know. It has been a while.

Shut your mouth. Where's your blog? Where are your funny jokes and two friends? Good. That's what I thought. That is me.

If you haven't found out already, there was a fire upstairs in my house. The fire ruined everything. It ruined my laptop, my television, my SNES, and my face. The one part of my life that wasn't ruined by the fire is my blog. That's probably because this blog is on the internet, and the internet can't be set on fire. Probably because of all of the firewalls.

So why couldn't I blog? Because I was on trial. For burning down the house.

Here's the story:

In my house, the smoke detectors are very sensitive. Very often, the vapors from a hot shower will set these babies off. Since this happens so often, the residents of the house and I usually just dismiss the noise as a harmless pain in the ass.

One afternoon I came home torn by a tough decision: Should I go into my room and dance/eat pizza naked for a little while or should I get rid of some number two in the bathroom? Any stupid-head will know that taking a crap is the better choice. You don't want to have an accident during dance time!

There I am. Pooping. I hear that sexy smoke detector and think to myself, "Man, it feels good to be taking a crap right now." Suddenly I hear, "Is anyone in here? YOU NEED TO GET OUT! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Before I can react: SLAM!! A firefighter barges in to catch me sitting about six inches above my floating turds. We make direct eye contact for a moment. I'm pretty sure both of us thought this was funny, but this was no time to laugh. He then asked me if I knew where anyone else could be. As I ran out of the house I could see him looking into my bedroom. I thought for a moment about whether I'd rather have this firefighter catch me doing choice A or choice B. I choose B.

A lot of other stuff happened after that. The court heard the firefighter's testimony and came to the following conclusion: Good didn't start the fire. He was pooping.

Today, Good is a free man who lives with a dickhead cat and blogs.

(This is a true story)

Car-toonz

I was reading through an art book the other day (Yes, I actually have some culture and class) and I came across a painting I liked. Specifically, it made me nostalgic to the masochism of one particular project I completed in 2007.

Many years ago, when I was pursuing higher education [completed too, YEAH SUCKERZZ], I had a final project where the only task was 'make an animation." A lot of kids did brief, two second animations for their 'production company', which clearly was fitting. Make a logo for a company that you will never run or have.

I took a different route. I drew inspiration from my ADD'ed out brain and an affinity of art. So this is what the final product looked like:



Why is this important?

1) It's funny. Really funny.
2) Now with inspirado, I am going to start making some more. And guess where I'll be posting them?

Youtube.

Oh, and this blog too.

Happy friday (well, technically its my 'wednesday')
-el benda

The Biggest Debate Now..

..isn't healthcare. Or what to do in Afghanistan. Or Abortion. Or Stem Cells.

It's this:



There are no Red States. There are no blue states. You've just got to decide what matters.

Who you siding with?

6012: Tumblers
El Benda: Pumpers
Good: Pumpers

Trick or Treat!

And Good thought he could keep his holiday practices to himself. Beware of the internet, where all your dark secrets can be posted semi-anonymously.

A Tip For The Guys

Hey,

Urinating in the middle of the night can cause a lot of psychological distress in a small house. I'm usually worried that the sound of the flushing toilet will wake everyone up. I would just leave it, but I don't want anyone to label me as a "non-flusher".

Here's the solution: urinate, then drop a square of toilet paper into the bowl. When the homeowner discovers your mess, he won't say, "Damnit, El Benda doesn't flush," he will say, "Damnit, La Benda doesn't flush."

El Benda is off the hook!

Some might ask, "What about poopies?"

Well, if you're pooping in the middle of the night, your eating habits might be unhealthy. . .that's your problem to fix. If you must, flush the toilet, then yell "I pooped!" in a girl voice when you walk out of the bathroom.

BLAME!

Killers Sit In Jail While You Read This

Some might even be laughing at a joke.

One more way to be good at Basketball

Yell "Jones!" every time you drive to the rim.



This way, you don't have to grow unsightly body hair or get bitten by a wolf.

El Benda Banned? Yessir! The Inside Story, Pt. 1

After much delay, I'm back. And stronger than ever. We're talking HER-CU-LES strong. Yep, that's me, El Benda. And it's all because I've found inner strength.

You see, devoted reader, I've got to come clean. In order to embrace the future, I must confront my past. The past few days have not been good. Sure, you may have thought that my lack of posts was simply because I was out, jet-setting and winning/dining hot babes who want me to father their children. And normally, you'd be right. When you live as good as El Benda, you really DO live. Well, except for the fact that El Benda ain't no baby daddy. You can't get me on no child support. No Ma'am.

And for that matter, you best get your facts right, fools.

Anyway, the truth is that I haven't been posting because I was put on super secret double dog suspension. . I risk bodily harm for revealing such terrible facts, but such is the truth. Just like people watch Charlie Gibson for the news and trust to get honestly written news, I too will be honest with you.

This last week has been heck. yes, heck. But just like the phoenix, I burned to the ground due to EXTREMELY hot BURNING fire. And from my ashes, I defied all the laws of physics and math and logic and have become rebuilt a stronger, firebird.

Ah, the song that got me through my struggles!

If you follow our twitter feed, you might have become aware of the news. And while Good and 6012 tried to downplay it, they were just helping me cover up. And I thank them for keeping it all business and not letting the truth out. But, now that I'm free, let me tell it to you straight. Its late on a friday night, and I need to get this off my chest.

(deep breath)

I, El Benda, was put on Noth You? probation. It was not Good and 6012's doing, it was our publisher, ( if it sounds smhog-pot dot kom, does it ing a bell?) that brought it on. It was internal, behind the scenes stuff. Stuff that normaly you wouldn't see.

Long story short, I wrote a post that was just TOO funny. At the end of the day, that is all it came down to. I got too clever and creative with a post. This post, if you recall, was about me opening up a restaurant. What confused me the most was that all I did was simply copy/paste my business plan on the internet. I was able to secure funding to open a SHONE-eeys restaurant, but apparently the real world and the digital world go together like water/oil. I should have learned my lesson from the Lawnmower Man or Tron.

So, I really overstepped my boundaries. I didnt read the big, worldwide memo that the internet was only for marginally funny accident videos, pornography, sports scores, porn, stock tips, ebay, netflix, and fetish pornography. I violated the contract by posting a column so original, so funny, so mezmerizing, that the internet would have crashed had it up any longer. So, they came to us, at Noth You?, and wanted blood. My blood. Rare, AB+ blood, that flows through the veins of El Benda. (And the lucky people who get my blood via RedCross)

So they came to us looking for BLOOD. Lucky for me, Good happens to know a lawyer, Mr. Jonesy Cochkill, IV. We hit up his pager. After waiting 10 minutes after class, CochKill was on the case. If the blog don't fit, you must aquit!... Or wait ten minutes after class. 6012 also called his 'fat' uncle, who had a different kind of negotiating power. Fearing a wait of 10 minutes after class and a loss of a few functioning fingers, we were able to make an agreement between all parties. I, El Benda, was to serve a week of punishment to atone for my crime.

This past week was rough. I'll spend my next post explaining the stuff I did when I was on double dog secret probation. But all you have to know now is that I never will write anything funny for the internets ever again. Just boring fart jokes for me!.

For now, let's celebrate a good time. I'm back and stronger than ever.


-EL BENDA

Oprah Stinks!

Oprah interviewed a young girl with schizophrenia and she asked, "Do you ever think sometimes that you're different?"

Seriously, Oprah, you're an asshole.

I know this blog is intended for jokes, but sometime even the jokers must rave.

Oprah the ignoramus.