Learn to say shown.
Shown is a definitive statement. It is also an adequate response to any type of question.
It has a rare use as a closer for any type of insult.
Example 1:
6012 asked, "Hey, Good, did you buy tickets to the El Benda vocal performance at Madison Square Garden?"
Good answered, "Shown!"
Example 2:
Good insulted 6012 by accusing him of something.
Good alleged, "You're David isn't even the Gnome. . .SHOWN!"
(Note that the shown reinforces the slam that the insult means to present)
*Shown can also be used as a replacement for any obsenity.
**My favorite use of shown is to scream it out of my car window in lieu of yelling, "F--- you, person innocently walking on the sidewalk!"
Monday, August 17, 2009
Switch to Folgers
Folgers has recently announced its latest inexpensive hunk of trash to land on supermarket shelves: Not-Quite-Decent-But-Quasi-Adequate Instant Coffee. The company has abbreviated the title to appeal to a younger, hipper, acronym-loving crowd by calling the new product: NQDBQA-IC (pronounced niquid bickwa ick).
I'm like most people; if it's being advertised on the television, then I know it has to be great. There's no way I could be misled! Why would they lie to every single one of us? When I go to the store I think to myself, "Hmmmmmmmmmm, should I buy a Luxor television or a Zenith?" The answer is obviously Zenith because the commercials told me about it, so it has to be better than the product that I don't know anything about." Huh? What's research? Am I even pronouncing it correctly?
I'll probably choose Folgers for my weak, milky, coffee needs. It doesn't really matter where you get your stale, brown, water, as long as it is caffeinated and seen on tv. Soon enough, America will run on Folgers.
If it's cheap, disgusting, and can be loaded with sugar...WE'LL TAKE IT!
Folgers: Mmm Mmm Better.
I'm like most people; if it's being advertised on the television, then I know it has to be great. There's no way I could be misled! Why would they lie to every single one of us? When I go to the store I think to myself, "Hmmmmmmmmmm, should I buy a Luxor television or a Zenith?" The answer is obviously Zenith because the commercials told me about it, so it has to be better than the product that I don't know anything about." Huh? What's research? Am I even pronouncing it correctly?
I'll probably choose Folgers for my weak, milky, coffee needs. It doesn't really matter where you get your stale, brown, water, as long as it is caffeinated and seen on tv. Soon enough, America will run on Folgers.
If it's cheap, disgusting, and can be loaded with sugar...WE'LL TAKE IT!
Folgers: Mmm Mmm Better.
"I'm sketchy!"
I'm so sketched out right now. I'm really worried. It usually happens suddenly, without warning, and without mercy. I am afraid. I'm afraid because they might catch us. They might know what we're doing right now. They are preconditioned to know. I am hence preconditioned to be sketched.
It really helps to use a meter of some sort to quantify stuff. The quantified is "sketch". The quantifier is the Sketchometer. The basic idea is that I'm "sketched" if the meter reads a nonzero value. Once the vlaue is at zero again, the "sketch" has been terminated.
I had a feeling they were on to me. The most prominent indicator was that I was sketched. I had this vivid dream about the police hiring people to draw pictures of me. I think it was because they needed to find me.
BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG. That was my alarm. As I sat up I screamed, "I've been SKETCHED!"
"We slept in!!!" (From the holiday smash-hit Home Alone)
Byrne it up, kid.
David Byrne (a genius) understands Noth, you?. If you ever ask him what his songs are about, he would reply, "Noth, you?".
Friday, August 14, 2009
Have you seen my career?
This post is dedicated to Ricky S.
I wish you and your family well. Also, thanks for letting me steal your joke.
Catching up with the Baby Einsteins
Also studied: Baby Da Vincis, Baby Mozarts, Baby Agassis, and Baby Mr. Belvederes.
Color Me Impressed
thanks to technology, I'm never alone. Everyone's connected and it's fantastic! For instance, I bet you didnt know that right now Good, 6012, and El Benda are having a conference call, an we're each in different counties. Yep, we're discussing the finer points of eating a club sandwich.
But I'm amazing at multitasking. Let me tell you what I'm doing RIGHT NOW during this conference call. I'm twittering this facebook blogspot youtube from my crackberry as i wait for my Chinese Fried Lice. Mmm. MMM. Good. Ask Jeeves, he knows.
When we are done discussing the sandwich, I'm going to bring up this contention: Do you get bonus life points if you are a 40-something woman (who actively seeks out younger men) AND you drive a Mercury Cougar? I say no. Frankly, I got scared half-to-death yesterday when I saw a cougar driving a cougar with a cougar in the front seat. I thank god that I survived that encounter.
I'll end this post by saying that the only good thing about it was the title. The rest is mere hogwash poopcrap.
But I'm amazing at multitasking. Let me tell you what I'm doing RIGHT NOW during this conference call. I'm twittering this facebook blogspot youtube from my crackberry as i wait for my Chinese Fried Lice. Mmm. MMM. Good. Ask Jeeves, he knows.
When we are done discussing the sandwich, I'm going to bring up this contention: Do you get bonus life points if you are a 40-something woman (who actively seeks out younger men) AND you drive a Mercury Cougar? I say no. Frankly, I got scared half-to-death yesterday when I saw a cougar driving a cougar with a cougar in the front seat. I thank god that I survived that encounter.
I'll end this post by saying that the only good thing about it was the title. The rest is mere hogwash poopcrap.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Learn to say #1
Learn to say OK in many different ways.
The trick in this lesson is to substitute the K with something that sounds great.
Example 1:
7 = K
O7. (Oh Seven)
Example 2:
Stone = K
OStone. (Oh Stone)
Example 3:
Jones = K
OJones. (Oh Jones)
*Sometimes it is O7 to substitute something for the O rather than the K.
Example: Stone = O, StoneK. (Stone Kay)
Foodies
I walked by two people talking in a driveway in some really small town in Vermont. One was a girl sitting in a car, and the other was a dude standing at the passenger's window talking to her.
Suddenly, the girl in the car threw a huge plate of food out of the window. It was nuts. All of this wonderful looking food sat in the lawn while the plate spun around in a circle and fell. Then she started to back out of the driveway really quick. As she was speeding out the driveway, the dude managed to run to open the door and hop in.
I will never know what happened between those two people.
Never Have I Ever...
There's this hot new drinking game taking place on a Friday night near you. The name of the game is "Never Have I Ever".
I know, it sounds like one of those really confusing drinking games where it takes ten rounds to learn completely (I usually pass out after three rounds of Bum Crevice, but I digress). It's easy. I promise.
Actually, I don't know how to play.
This one time, I was watching The O.C. on DVD. Every time someone said "oh, seven," I drank a little. I learned that people on the west coast of the United States don't use the same nonsensical banter that I use in every day speech.
I really hope that my Mom will bring Oreos from the grocery store.
Never have we ever...
6012: Never have I ever 6012'd a moose.
El Benda: Never have I ever cheered for the Purple Parrots.
Good: Never have I ever been Bad.
I know, it sounds like one of those really confusing drinking games where it takes ten rounds to learn completely (I usually pass out after three rounds of Bum Crevice, but I digress). It's easy. I promise.
Actually, I don't know how to play.
This one time, I was watching The O.C. on DVD. Every time someone said "oh, seven," I drank a little. I learned that people on the west coast of the United States don't use the same nonsensical banter that I use in every day speech.
I really hope that my Mom will bring Oreos from the grocery store.
Never have we ever...
6012: Never have I ever 6012'd a moose.
El Benda: Never have I ever cheered for the Purple Parrots.
Good: Never have I ever been Bad.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
That's the fact, Jack
Greetings folks,
As I'm sure you know, the internet is FULL of facts. We're talking useful information here, people! Where else can you find the average rainfall in Ames, Iowa (40 Gallons per 3 months) OR how much sliced turkey costs in Nepal (2.34 Wepalz per LB)
So, in lieu of this blog's infancy and the immense power of the inter-web, lets spread some more ideas. This is the information superhighway, isn't it?
Three Facts about Good:
1. Invented the phrase, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away" after he found his big league arm was great at throwing apples at the heads of overzealous surgeons.
2. Can make a mean Turduken. We're talking TASTY!
3. Was Tony Danza's hand/back stand in on the set of "Who's the Boss".
Three Fun Facts about El Benda
1. Invented suspenders during the Depression in reaction to the dramatic rise of belt costs.
2. Has spooned with many great foreign dignitaries and world leaders. (Too bad he doesn't kiss and tell.)
3. Won 154 consective games of Battleship between the years 2002-2008
Three Fun Facts about 6012
1. Defied the laws of physics when he rollerbladed UP the side of the Met-Life Building in 1999.
2. Is a 4x US Competitive Crossbow Champion.
3. Drives a LeBaron. And, coincidently, happens to be the number 1 son.
So there you go. You know the three of us that much better.
Be glad. You have now been graced with knowledge. And if G.I Joe taught us anything, its that....
As I'm sure you know, the internet is FULL of facts. We're talking useful information here, people! Where else can you find the average rainfall in Ames, Iowa (40 Gallons per 3 months) OR how much sliced turkey costs in Nepal (2.34 Wepalz per LB)
So, in lieu of this blog's infancy and the immense power of the inter-web, lets spread some more ideas. This is the information superhighway, isn't it?
Three Facts about Good:
1. Invented the phrase, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away" after he found his big league arm was great at throwing apples at the heads of overzealous surgeons.
2. Can make a mean Turduken. We're talking TASTY!
3. Was Tony Danza's hand/back stand in on the set of "Who's the Boss".
Three Fun Facts about El Benda
1. Invented suspenders during the Depression in reaction to the dramatic rise of belt costs.
2. Has spooned with many great foreign dignitaries and world leaders. (Too bad he doesn't kiss and tell.)
3. Won 154 consective games of Battleship between the years 2002-2008
Three Fun Facts about 6012
1. Defied the laws of physics when he rollerbladed UP the side of the Met-Life Building in 1999.
2. Is a 4x US Competitive Crossbow Champion.
3. Drives a LeBaron. And, coincidently, happens to be the number 1 son.
So there you go. You know the three of us that much better.
Be glad. You have now been graced with knowledge. And if G.I Joe taught us anything, its that....
Thursday, April 09, 2009
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