How will they make New year's glasses this year?

From the bottom of our spleens, happy new year from Noth You. Here's to more crap posts aimed specifically for your procrastination.

Big things are afoot here. In a matter of days, we're going to announce the biggest event EVER. Keep it posted.

-el benda

Meet My Granny

I need you to meet someone who is near and dear to me. My dear old Granny.

Her name is Joan Jones. She makes the best Cabbage Soup and Peach Cobbler this side of Columbus, GA. She's got more stories about the Great War effort than your grandpappy. She winks at you when you take her (sugarfree) hard candy. She still has a crush on the Smothers Brothers. She might have been against the civil rights movement, but never will admit to it. She's had two short stories accepted to Ladies Old Journal in the 1940s. She plays a mean slide guitar.

All in all, one hell of a granny!

One more time... Mrs. Joan Jones!

More Facts!
-Mother of 12 (her vagina was quite a factory!)
-Had a dog named Biscuits throughout the entire Eisenhower Administration.
-Smells like old lady farts.

Good Profiles: Killers, The

The Killers became a band in 1990 when the band members were students in the public schools of Seattle, WA. They used to talk to Nirvana on the phone, but that privilege was taken away when Kurt Cobain was called too late on a school night. Cobain's mother was upset by this and, to this day, hates The Killers. The Killers became famous when they played music at a bar one night and everybody liked it. They've made ten albums: The Killers' First Album, The Killers' Second Album, We Will Kill, We Killed, When Should We Kill, Now?, We Are The Killers, Band Name ---> Social Behavior?, The Killers Celebrate Chinese New Year, The Killers Greatest Hit(s), and The Killers Are Back.

Above is a picture of The Killers. From left to right:

Mutey: He has never said a word ever. He stands next to Drewski and pretends to play bass.

Drewski: Retired fashion diva, he sings. He is the self-described leader and founder of the band. He gathered the crew together in order to form a short-lived pop boy band to impress his math teacher, but the immediate success forced the band to play forever...for...everrrrr.

Weird Face: Weird Face got his name because his parents needed to change his name so he wouldn't always think he was being made fun of. His original name was Weird Hair. Weird Face plays drums and always looks like he's hiding a secret joke from someone. Weird Face pushed for the name, "The Killers" because he wanted to seem tough.

Jim Morrison's brother: He isn't really Jim Morrison's brother, but The Killers used this to get fans. Also, when he makes that face, he looks like that famous picture of J.M. (you know, the one every tool-douche has a poster of?). Jim Morrison's brother plays the hair-guitar machine. You'll have to look it up on Wikipedia because I am not an expert, and everyone hates someone who explains something they know absolutely nothing about. People magazine reported last week that they want to kick Jim Morrison's brother out of the band because his eyes are too close together, and he is usually sad. Also, Mutey is mad at him for something that neither of them will talk about.

Killers, The?

GET IT!??!?!

Here at Noth you, we consider ourselves purveyors of sweet phrases. We've introduced and educated you on proper phrases like "Jones" and 07. Well, now is time for a new phrase:


"GET IT?!??!?! GET IT??!?!?

And its SO EASY To use!

Steps for proper usage:

1) Tell obnoxiously obvious pun in remarks to someone's comment
2) Let the person roll their eyes.
3) Look at the person.
4) Yell out, "GET IT?!??!"
5) Proceed to explain obvious pun.
6) Repeat "Get IT??" as many time as needed. Extra times for emphasis can be effective, but a simple yelling once also has a strong effect. You can also add in assorted gestures and winks as needed.


Examples:
A)
(Good and 6012 are at a centrally located park, watching ducks in a pond)
6012: Those are some big ducks. I bet the tourists feed them a lot.
Good: I think they're hungry now. Lets feed them some QUACKERS
6012: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Good: GET IT?!?!
(pause)
Good:They're ducks. They quack! Quack sounds like the first part of crackers, a food you would eat. They're ducks. if they are hungry, they eat QUACKERS
6012: (sighs)
Good: GET IT!?!?!? GET IT??!!

B)
El Benda: What's your favorite video game?
6012: Mega Man
El Benda: You would say you are a huge fan of it?
6012: (sigh) El B, pleas-
El Benda: You're a MEGA FAN??? GET IT?!?!
6012: Shut -
El Benda: Becuase its your favorite game, you are clearly a fan! Fan rhymes with MAN. GET IT? GET IT? GET IT??

The great thing about this phrase is that you can use it whenever. All you need is a touch of terrible wit, and you are good to go. You can use it anywhere, too!
-Spice up your boring business meeting!
-Yell it to your religious leader!
-Yell it out in the theater! Make a pun about the actors hairlines. Bonus points if it is while seeing "Ole Yeller"

GET IT??!? GET IT?!!? BECAUSE YOU'RE YELLING OUT AT A FILM THAT SHARES A SIMILAR TITLE! GET IT!?!??! GET IT??!

EL BENDA: DEFINITELY GETS IT
6012: GETS IT SOMETIMES
GOOD: ON ODD-NUMBERED DAYS IN MONTHS WITH 31 DAYS

A Simple Reminder

JONES!

Good: An Alibi

I know. It has been a while.

Shut your mouth. Where's your blog? Where are your funny jokes and two friends? Good. That's what I thought. That is me.

If you haven't found out already, there was a fire upstairs in my house. The fire ruined everything. It ruined my laptop, my television, my SNES, and my face. The one part of my life that wasn't ruined by the fire is my blog. That's probably because this blog is on the internet, and the internet can't be set on fire. Probably because of all of the firewalls.

So why couldn't I blog? Because I was on trial. For burning down the house.

Here's the story:

In my house, the smoke detectors are very sensitive. Very often, the vapors from a hot shower will set these babies off. Since this happens so often, the residents of the house and I usually just dismiss the noise as a harmless pain in the ass.

One afternoon I came home torn by a tough decision: Should I go into my room and dance/eat pizza naked for a little while or should I get rid of some number two in the bathroom? Any stupid-head will know that taking a crap is the better choice. You don't want to have an accident during dance time!

There I am. Pooping. I hear that sexy smoke detector and think to myself, "Man, it feels good to be taking a crap right now." Suddenly I hear, "Is anyone in here? YOU NEED TO GET OUT! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" Before I can react: SLAM!! A firefighter barges in to catch me sitting about six inches above my floating turds. We make direct eye contact for a moment. I'm pretty sure both of us thought this was funny, but this was no time to laugh. He then asked me if I knew where anyone else could be. As I ran out of the house I could see him looking into my bedroom. I thought for a moment about whether I'd rather have this firefighter catch me doing choice A or choice B. I choose B.

A lot of other stuff happened after that. The court heard the firefighter's testimony and came to the following conclusion: Good didn't start the fire. He was pooping.

Today, Good is a free man who lives with a dickhead cat and blogs.

(This is a true story)

Car-toonz

I was reading through an art book the other day (Yes, I actually have some culture and class) and I came across a painting I liked. Specifically, it made me nostalgic to the masochism of one particular project I completed in 2007.

Many years ago, when I was pursuing higher education [completed too, YEAH SUCKERZZ], I had a final project where the only task was 'make an animation." A lot of kids did brief, two second animations for their 'production company', which clearly was fitting. Make a logo for a company that you will never run or have.

I took a different route. I drew inspiration from my ADD'ed out brain and an affinity of art. So this is what the final product looked like:



Why is this important?

1) It's funny. Really funny.
2) Now with inspirado, I am going to start making some more. And guess where I'll be posting them?

Youtube.

Oh, and this blog too.

Happy friday (well, technically its my 'wednesday')
-el benda

The Biggest Debate Now..

..isn't healthcare. Or what to do in Afghanistan. Or Abortion. Or Stem Cells.

It's this:



There are no Red States. There are no blue states. You've just got to decide what matters.

Who you siding with?

6012: Tumblers
El Benda: Pumpers
Good: Pumpers

Trick or Treat!

And Good thought he could keep his holiday practices to himself. Beware of the internet, where all your dark secrets can be posted semi-anonymously.

A Tip For The Guys

Hey,

Urinating in the middle of the night can cause a lot of psychological distress in a small house. I'm usually worried that the sound of the flushing toilet will wake everyone up. I would just leave it, but I don't want anyone to label me as a "non-flusher".

Here's the solution: urinate, then drop a square of toilet paper into the bowl. When the homeowner discovers your mess, he won't say, "Damnit, El Benda doesn't flush," he will say, "Damnit, La Benda doesn't flush."

El Benda is off the hook!

Some might ask, "What about poopies?"

Well, if you're pooping in the middle of the night, your eating habits might be unhealthy. . .that's your problem to fix. If you must, flush the toilet, then yell "I pooped!" in a girl voice when you walk out of the bathroom.

BLAME!

Killers Sit In Jail While You Read This

Some might even be laughing at a joke.

One more way to be good at Basketball

Yell "Jones!" every time you drive to the rim.



This way, you don't have to grow unsightly body hair or get bitten by a wolf.

El Benda Banned? Yessir! The Inside Story, Pt. 1

After much delay, I'm back. And stronger than ever. We're talking HER-CU-LES strong. Yep, that's me, El Benda. And it's all because I've found inner strength.

You see, devoted reader, I've got to come clean. In order to embrace the future, I must confront my past. The past few days have not been good. Sure, you may have thought that my lack of posts was simply because I was out, jet-setting and winning/dining hot babes who want me to father their children. And normally, you'd be right. When you live as good as El Benda, you really DO live. Well, except for the fact that El Benda ain't no baby daddy. You can't get me on no child support. No Ma'am.

And for that matter, you best get your facts right, fools.

Anyway, the truth is that I haven't been posting because I was put on super secret double dog suspension. . I risk bodily harm for revealing such terrible facts, but such is the truth. Just like people watch Charlie Gibson for the news and trust to get honestly written news, I too will be honest with you.

This last week has been heck. yes, heck. But just like the phoenix, I burned to the ground due to EXTREMELY hot BURNING fire. And from my ashes, I defied all the laws of physics and math and logic and have become rebuilt a stronger, firebird.

Ah, the song that got me through my struggles!

If you follow our twitter feed, you might have become aware of the news. And while Good and 6012 tried to downplay it, they were just helping me cover up. And I thank them for keeping it all business and not letting the truth out. But, now that I'm free, let me tell it to you straight. Its late on a friday night, and I need to get this off my chest.

(deep breath)

I, El Benda, was put on Noth You? probation. It was not Good and 6012's doing, it was our publisher, ( if it sounds smhog-pot dot kom, does it ing a bell?) that brought it on. It was internal, behind the scenes stuff. Stuff that normaly you wouldn't see.

Long story short, I wrote a post that was just TOO funny. At the end of the day, that is all it came down to. I got too clever and creative with a post. This post, if you recall, was about me opening up a restaurant. What confused me the most was that all I did was simply copy/paste my business plan on the internet. I was able to secure funding to open a SHONE-eeys restaurant, but apparently the real world and the digital world go together like water/oil. I should have learned my lesson from the Lawnmower Man or Tron.

So, I really overstepped my boundaries. I didnt read the big, worldwide memo that the internet was only for marginally funny accident videos, pornography, sports scores, porn, stock tips, ebay, netflix, and fetish pornography. I violated the contract by posting a column so original, so funny, so mezmerizing, that the internet would have crashed had it up any longer. So, they came to us, at Noth You?, and wanted blood. My blood. Rare, AB+ blood, that flows through the veins of El Benda. (And the lucky people who get my blood via RedCross)

So they came to us looking for BLOOD. Lucky for me, Good happens to know a lawyer, Mr. Jonesy Cochkill, IV. We hit up his pager. After waiting 10 minutes after class, CochKill was on the case. If the blog don't fit, you must aquit!... Or wait ten minutes after class. 6012 also called his 'fat' uncle, who had a different kind of negotiating power. Fearing a wait of 10 minutes after class and a loss of a few functioning fingers, we were able to make an agreement between all parties. I, El Benda, was to serve a week of punishment to atone for my crime.

This past week was rough. I'll spend my next post explaining the stuff I did when I was on double dog secret probation. But all you have to know now is that I never will write anything funny for the internets ever again. Just boring fart jokes for me!.

For now, let's celebrate a good time. I'm back and stronger than ever.


-EL BENDA

Oprah Stinks!

Oprah interviewed a young girl with schizophrenia and she asked, "Do you ever think sometimes that you're different?"

Seriously, Oprah, you're an asshole.

I know this blog is intended for jokes, but sometime even the jokers must rave.

Oprah the ignoramus.

If You Turn Into Teen Wolf, You Might Get Better At Basketball

If there is one weakness of mine that everyone in my life is aware of; it's my ability to be really bad at playing basketball. Over the years, I've learned that this ability can be attributed to the fact that I am short, I don't practice, and I'm usually under slept or stoned.

I remember watching a movie about a young man who overcame his lack of "game" by turning into a werewolf.



The transition seems very painful and traumatic. It has been observed to come on very suddenly and abruptly, which could cause much discomfort.



After the tough part is over, you look like the picture above. Facial expression varies with personality. This model's expression: "I'm confused and scared while I look at myself in the mirror."

If it were me, I'd just be excited that in a few minutes I will be schooling all of my stupid classmates.



I never knew about the maximum jumping height of a werewolf, but the evidence suggests that it's enormous! This model is only 5'7", and he's going to dunk! SICK!!!
I'm 5'8", so I might even be able to add in a 360 degree spin before I jam that ball in.



When you're done beating your friends in basketball, document the experience. Take a shower, find some dungarees, get that ball, and smile for Mommy!

WOLF!

Music From THe Future (via the Past)

I'm convinced that ELO were creatures from a far and distant planet. Their music was quite heavenly to say the least. And they had awesome hair. Or was it hair? I say its just helmets! Space People! Watch out, they'll turn you to STONE

Here is the favorite track from the dudes at Noth, You?.
(This Might be our current theme song!)

FOUND YOU!

(Good and 6012, without any makeup)

A-HA!!!
Good and 6012 caught buying monogrammed his/hers hand towels at the local super store. You guys can't stay incognito for too long! Silly guys!

Special thanks to our reader, Jimmy Floyd De la Croix for the fantastic photo find. Great work Jimmy! You win a blank cassette tape from 1992 and a hearty handshake from all three bloggers. (Handshake to be granted when we feel like it, void where prohibitted.)

Keep your photos coming!

Mullet Justification

I regret nothing. I just merely wanted to state why I looked so badass in that picture.

1. I'm too busy being awesome to worry about hair.

2. My hair matches my life philosophy. Business in the front (when I'm on the job, its nothing but hard work for me). And Party in the back ( as soon as quitin' time comes round, its nothing but good times on the reg, sex on the reg, yachts on the reg. Basically, all the finer things in life. Thank you, Mr. Powers for that Philosophy.

3. My answering machine is busted. My dad called me and told me to, "Wear your sunday best to this photo shoot. We need a great xmas card!" I heard, "Hi son. be cool. grow a mullet." I knew that message was too good to be true.

4. The main reason, is that I have been working as a touring roadie for .38 Special. I have a small cameo in this AMAZING video, see if you can find me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXQDWuitMZc

(Couldn't embed. bastards!)

This is probably the greatest and most dated music video ever. I love southern rock, damnit. And let me tell you, life on the road is no joke. Yeah, there are groupies, which is awful swell and all. but periodically you are sober and actually need to work. Sheesh.

(side note. I'm not joking when I say i REALLY like this song. As much of a non-southerner I am, damnit I love this song. Pure southern rock.)

El Benda Shunned By Family

Award-winning blogger upsets family by showing up with a mullet to the annual family photograph.

Local: Community Concerned About Bathroom Shortage

News: Inner City Children Visit Earth During Tuesday's Field Trip

**New!!! Noth, you? Character Study **New!!!

The Noth, you? team has initiated phase one of what we'd like to call: "Character Study".

It has come to our attention that many people can be categorized into basic archetypes. You may meet a jackass in Massachusetts, then drive to Montana to find a very similar jackass.

Today's Character Study: The 'say the same thing to you every time I see you guy'.

This guy could be one or all of three things: forgetful, one who thinks all are forgetful, or just that unoriginal.

The simplest example of this type of jackass is a guy/girl who will tell you the same story, or same set of instructions, more than twice.

This next example will overlap with another type of character, which will be mentioned in the next post. This example includes Comment Guy. This guy just has to say something to you no matter what. Comment guy becomes "say the same thing every time I see you guy" when he runs out of annoying comments to make.
Now the example: I arrive to work. Larry sarcastically asks, "you still work here?" Needless to say, he will say this again next time. Then he will say it again. And again.

If you, or someone you know, is a "comment guy" or a "say the same thing every time I see you guy", please try to remember that you being stupid does not mean that everyone else is stupid. Trust the brains of the others around you. They'll remember what you said. Especially if you say it every day.

Sponsorship!

Yes, the crafty capitalist that is El Benda has made yet ANOTHER stunning victory. First it was opening up a successful America-themed restaurant. Now, its securing our first sponsor for Noth, You?

DRINK JONES SODA~
(un)official Drink of Noth,you!

Basically, all this means is that I, El Benda, will receive $ 15.45 per laugh. Good and 6012 will also get $14.88 per laugh. (I got the increase because I'm dating/fornicatin' with Mr. Jones Cola's lovely daughter, Telly -WHOOPs, now the secret is out of the bag). Anyway....

SHAMEMLESS PLUG TIME
Jones Sodas!
They taste almost like real soda!

Fabulous Flavors include:
-Sea Salt and Mayonaise Soda
-Sweet Meat BBQ Beet Soda
-Turpentine Cream Soda
- Gefilte Fish Soda (The Chosen Soda of yours jewry)
- Dirty Water Hot Dog Soda
- Red Bean Soda
- Jade Curry Soda

Jones Soda uses only the finest High Fructose Corn Syrups and processed sugars.
Artificial Flavors? You betcha!

Try all seven flavors! At the same time!
JONES SODA: If you don't drink them, you're a KAPUS!


(THE FINE PRINT: Jones Cola is not our real Sponsor. But if you're reading this, Mr. Jones, shoot me a line. Lets talk business. I think it could be highly profitable for me, and marginally significant for you. Like being your future son in law? Wink Wink. Secret shake, you get the deal.)

6012 Scores In Hollywood

click image to see GOOD

More Shoney's

Two of our loyal readers recently visited a Shoney's location.




Dear Noth,you?,

Thanks, guys!!! You never fail to totally amaze us. We're so tired of the same ol' same ol', and Shoney's has SHOWN us that we can get a new taste of the same ol' same ol' bring it on back James Brown!

Your only readers,
Bill and Ted

Jonesbook Announces Successful Debut

"Our most recent update lists 1,567,999.3 subscribers. Jonesbook makes social networking easy and fun."

-Mark Jonserberg

News: Professor Dodges Laser Attack

Tattooed student not as fortunate.

Tay-alk!

We want to know noth from you! Write us your noth!





Talk to us!

Noth, you?

nothyou@gmail.com

**Write in the next 9 minutes for your chance to win an appearance on Noth, you?

No purchase necessary.
Some loophole causing us to benefit may apply.

6012 Adopts a Child!

What a cute kid. 6012 gave him his old shirt, too.

Learn to say #4

Learn to say nonsense words to decrease awkwardness in tedious conversations.

I believe there should be a new part of speech added to our language. Among the nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc., there should be fillers.

Fillers are words that sound great, but don't mean anything. Their purpose is to help us acknowledge that someone is speaking when it is hard to do so otherwise.

Example:

Mr. Bad Conversationalist: My friends and I went to the mall, and we had to stop by the Apple Store because my friend needed a new charger for his iStone.

(Note: Most people would just use silence to dismiss what was said, or direct the conversation to a different topic. Rather than humiliate Mr. Bad Conversationalist, a FILLER could be used to acknowledge the information he shared so that we all can comfortably move on with life.)


Good: (Using filler) Cone. Jones.


Don't be a jerk by ignoring some dumb talker. Also, don't be a phony and say something even stupider, such as asking a lame question to keep the bad conversationalist engaged, but also continuing the bad conversation.

FILLERS!!

Here's a list of suggested fillers: jones, shown, cone, jayowns, flayowns, boolay, bools, phone, tone, blayowns, O7, Kapus, O-C Kapus Cone, Shay-o-nase, flonase...see if you can think of your own!

I love you!

Advisory

Jones!

We're On Twitter Now!

Need your random fill of nonsense in another digital site? Procrastinators Rejoice!
The Noth, You? Team has joined the vast internet hell hole timesuck that is Twitter.

http://twitter.com/nothyousamgoody

Why follow us on Twitter, you might ask?

-Marvel at our ability to make you laugh, cry or fart in less than 140 characters!

-Allow us to waste more of your time when you think you are, "working." (its okay, we won't tell your boss)

-We rarely use internet shorthand when we tweet. No, rly. 4 serio. ROTFL

-Seriously, if you are following people like Shaq, Soulja Boi, or some other dude who may have been on the television, WHY NOT follow us?

(MOREOVER, If anything, EL BENDA is a television celebrity. He's been on tv multiple times albeit in side, bump, and non-essential shots.. If anything, that should give you more impetus to follow us. Society loves marginal, trivial, borderline useless celebrties, and his total 10 seconds of on-air face time qualifies. Or at least until he puts out a sexy-time video.)

-We have very fragile egos, and need you to follow us so we don't turn all mental.

So in other words, FOLLOW US, YOU NUMBSKULLS!

Theme Song?

Testimonial:
Some call me El Benda
I'm a living STONE.

(Crazy radical Christian children's television is the best, isnt it?).

Advisory

Scoop: Pelosi's Stunning Confession

"I listen to my iPod when I go to use the toilet."

This is the reason i want to grow a Neard

I made a discovery tonight. Neards, though socially awkward and often just plain terrible, do possess use. If grown correctly, it enables the person to yodel in a most excellent manner. We're talking about in a way that might blind young children and make old men deaf.

Exhibit A:

Local: Area Man anxiously awaits 8 bladed razor

"This beard isn't cutting itself. We live in a very modern society. We've built atomic weapons, landed a man on the moon, and even learned to breed pandas in captivity. IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR A RAZOR THAT HAS 8 BLADES! I got optimistic when they released three, four, even 6 bladed razor. But it seems like the technology has stopped. This has done nothing but irritate me. I thought our American flag stood for freedom. Well, I want to live in a country where a man is free to purchase a razor with 8 blades, damnit!

Razor makers, I frown upon you! Leaving us extreme bearded folk out in the dust. How am I going to rock a sweet chinstrap for my son's graduation now!"

-Davis McDavis, Local Man/ Beard enthusiast.

Update: Jordan vs Bird Among Games To Be Played At Sleepover

I asked my mom if I could have the hockey team stay at the house after our game tomorrow night. After some huffing and puffing she finally agreed to pick up five boxes of Ellios pizza to prepare for the fun.

Right now I'm playing a lot of Zelda. I try to play when I know I'll have four or five hours alone because it takes about an hour to get the game started. I've learned that blowing into the cartridge AND the console cuts a significant amount of time from my pre-Zelda blowing rituals.

OK, enough about me. Zack is going to bring Jordan vs Bird!!!

I'm so freakin' excited for this. Larry Bird is like the best ever. In my opinion, he never should have shaven off his porn-star mustache. Then there's Jordan. My lord, can that guy jump!



I really like this game and I hope that I have a fun time with my friends.

Anagram-a-mania

I just found a site that automaticall makes anagrams of an entered name. Basically, this site does all the creative and hard work for you, and we get to reap all the benefits.

Here are our names, anagramed

El Benda - Nice Beard

6012 - I am a Strongish, As

Good- Got By Warmly

Clearly, I win the battle of having the coolest website generated anagram. Suckers!

My Response to: This is How they found me"

Thoughts from the Double Dees

FULL DISCLOSURE: I write this I'm at a local donut-slinging establishment, as I drink coffee to fervently fight off my sleep deprivation.

You might know where I am.

If you don't, I'll be a nice person and tell you. The name of the place is Dunkin' Donuts, which, thanks to the interweb, I've learned is named after wealthy Pastry Inventor and birdwatching enthusiast Duncan Bertrand Doeghnut IV. Yes, this is a man who made his billions creating these things we today call 'Donuts'.

D.B Doeghnuts IV, or D'Nuttz as he was called by his homeboyz, built this massive pastry empire during the Great Depression. In a classic case of taking a simple concept and making it better, Doeghnuts took the traditional southern sweet cake pastry and put a hole in the middle.

This was effective for two reasons.
1) It was the depression, so hole in the middle was a great way to save money and not make a whole cake.
2) People love stuff with holes in it. Donuts, Swiss Cheese, 50 Cent, Ears, Women (if your a dude), Grey's Anatomy (so many of the plot variety), Black Holes. Whole Milk. Saying 'Holy Moly!' All loved by everyone. Win-Win.

So from there,
Pros of Donuts: Taste good, inexpensive, give you a nice sugar rush, circular in shape, have holes (see above),

Cons: Eat too many and you get a medical condition. Doctors call it Buttfaticus, or "Fat-ass." You also might lose self-esteem, but that's only because you're a worthless fatty and you finally realize it.

ANYWAY,
Here's the problem (and the point of this rant). I swear to god there is an item on this menu called a 'Chicken Parmesan flatbread. I'm pretty sure you can also get it in some other incantation (on a bagel, croissant, muffin.) Think about that for a second. Other than promoting obesity, WHY THE POOPCRAP IS A DUNKIN DONUTS SELLING ANYTHING WITH THE WORDS CHICKEN and PARMESAN' Together.

You dont see Old Navy selling 8 piece suits. This is probably because they don't exist, but if they did, Old Navy wouldn't sell them. They would sell the same sweat-shop made performance fleece and jeans Americans have come to love and wear. Moreover, they abbreviate it to where it reads, "Chicken Parm". THIS IS A PLACE THAT SELLS DONUTS AND COFFEE AND BREAKFAST FOOD. Last I checked, even the most hardcore Italian folks don't eat Chicken Parmigiana for breakfast.

When I first read it on the menu, I thought it was just a side affect of me not sleeping. But i was proven wrong when the dude right after me ordered a Chicken Parmesan Flatbread and a coffee. At 9am. in the morning There should be rules against this kind of behavior, both for the vendor and for the idiots who actually order chicken parm flatbreads at dunkin donuts. For the sake of all that is holy (HAH) and good in society, this needs to end. I know that many argue that free-markets are good, but this is an example of when periodic involvement from a higher power needs to be done!

More Stray Observations
- A wee lad (i bet he was maybe three) just asked repeatedly asked me what my name was. Of course I responded, "El Benda". But alas readers, you better believe I entertained the idea of saying JONES! I almost did too. But then I saw the innocence in his eyes and came to the conclusion that exposing a three year old to such a powerful word might retard him for life. I think I did the right thing.

- I saw a dude wearing man capri pants. Unless he's going fishing in low tides today, he should be sought for criminal punishment. THE FASHION POLICE

Hah!...

Ha..

anybody?
(okay, that joke was there to help broaden our audience. O7?)

--I just realized I'm that douchebag who brings their laptop to the dunkin donuts. Curse my psudo-pretentious ways! Acting like I'm writing something important, like a book about dragons, when in reality all that I'm writing is just a series of drawn out musings with about as much depth as farts.

On that note, I'm getting out of this (donut) hole.

-el benda

Bored At Work?

Send poop pics!

Send pictures of yourself to friends while you're pooping!





"The community can best survive if it loves to laugh about poop."
-Good (1996)

How We Met El Benda

One day, 6012 asked me (Good) to help him move all of his office items into the bathtub. I gladly obliged as I saw this as an excellent opportunity to kill 6012.

As 6012 placed the last brown rectangular thing into the bathub, I stabbed him in the arm with my car key. He quickly spun around and whipped me with his cape. The whip made the cape feel like a truckload of concrete colliding with my cheekbone. I fell to the floor screaming, "SHOWWWWWNNNNNNNN."

"That's right," 6012 commented as he wiped blood off of his arm with a tissue. After dropping the tissue into the toilet, he kicked me in the face, laughed, and walked back toward the office. Realizing that I had just run out of luck, I decided to throw my lucky rabbit's foot into the toilet.

This event was followed by some major bowel irritation, so I decided to relieve myself while I was alone. Suddenly, I heard 6012 walking toward the bathroom. I was sure he was coming back for revenge.

"Hey, man, I'm not mad about earlier. We're cool. Oh, I forgot to mention that the toilet doesn't flush," 6012 told me through the door.

What happened next completely changed my perspective of the physical world.


Apparently, all it takes to make an El Benda is some DNA, a little bit of luck, and some poop!

Entertainment: Singer Announces Who Did It In Front Of Live Audience

HEEEEEEEE DID IT!!!!

Developing Story: Not Enough Chairs For All

Trends: Incredibly Unoriginal Girls Pose As Charlie's Angels

Done to impress friends, boys, Dad.






UHHHH, this one is awk.







Researchers conclude number of pictures taken using Charlie's Angels pose is directly proportional to social aptitude, inversely proportional to practical intelligence.

Local: Man Finds Old Star In Attic

"The light from this star could be one million years old!" claimed local hairstylist Gus Jonesbert.

Leak: Dick Cheney Preps for Billy Idol Tribute Band

Ex V.P Cheney, seen practicing his Idol pout in the mirror.

A.B.: The former Vice President is currently prepping for a Billy Idol tribute band, 'White Weddings. Band expected to play at Bushopalooza bash in Crawford, TX.

Noth, you?

Leak: Clinton Admits She Farted in White House Three Times

Experts suspect the actual figure could be 3-5 times greater.

Trends: Cool People Tilt Head In Pictures

News: Young Girl Not Impressed By Joke

Learn to say #3

Learn to say, "I'm so sorry that I'm late," a different way.

First, it is important to make a noticeable entrance.

I suggest stepping into the room via sideways lunge as shown below.



As you're stepping, wave your hand along the plane that's perpendicular to the floor and exclaim, "JONES".

The way you say it, and the length of your stride will make all of the difference.

The lunge should be slow and over extended. The "Jones" should be slow, over extended, and full of bass.

Say it like you mean it. Say it like you're sorry to be late.

The goal is to get them laughing so hard that they totally forget that you're late.



Myyyyy employees say JOOOONNNESS when they're late!

News: Serial Killer Doll To Be Taken Off Store Shelves By Next Week

Addendum, re: R.v.Winklin'

Sorry, being that I spent today Rip Van Winklin', I forgot to post this song at the end of the previous post.

This, dearest friends, was the theme song to the movie, 'Gone Rip Van Winklin' '.



(ween rules, side note)

Rip Van Winklin'

I know that Good is usually keen to drop new vocab. But I would just like to take a minute to introduce some slang into the modern English lexicon.

Rip Van Winkle - verb, to be used when you sleep for more than 8.5 hours in one session. Especially appropriate if you feel groggy or tired after you wake up, even though you've gotten more than the 'necessary' amount of sleep.

This term of course comes from the folk tale of Rip Van Winkle, the friendly tale of a miser who went to the woods to nap (who does that?). He wakes up many years later and returns to his village to find, as Notorious BIG put it, "the game done changed."

"Only the softest rocks for my bed, yessir!"

Acceptable Uses;
Rip Van Winkled, Van Winkled, Rip Van Winklin', Van Winklin', RvWinked, R Van w-ed,
Ripped van winkled, rVANwin'

Oh man, I Rip van Winkled and forgot to pay my child support!

Example:

6012: Hey man, what's happening?
El Benda: Not much man. It was my day off today, and I spent part of the day Rip van Winkling. Then I got up and did my taxes and pre-ordered some DVDs.

El Benda; You don't have to post before 9am on 'Noth You"
Good: O7, then I'm off to go Van Winklin'. In dreamland, nothing can harm you!

------
Usages in Popular Culture:
This term was first used in the hilarious farce, "Gone Rip van Winklin'."

Staring a Wet Bandit and the manager from Angels in the Outfield, these two men middle aged scientists, RANDY and ALBERT who, when not doing research, pine for the days where they can go deep sea fishing. But since the MAN took their cars ("What the heck is 'Collateral, anyway!?!), AND they live in the mountains, they have no means to get to the ocean. Accordingly, they must spend their days doing research, wearing silly hats and smoking cigars. Randy also swears a lot. He might have torrettes?

However, one day, these scientists discover the truth. Global warming is happening at a much more advanced rate than expected. We're talking 10,000x faster (yeah, looking at you LIBERAL MEDIA AND AL GORE. YOU DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS ONE!). So, like all good science movies, the two subject themselves to their own research. They chemically induce a 14 hour sleep session by eating a lot of greasy, fried food. After putting a sign on their lab, "Gone Rip van Winklin'", the two get in their cots fall asleep.

When they wake up half-a-day later, the world has flooded. The icecaps have melted and everyone in low lying areas are dead. Here is the actual script from the final scene in the movie:
-------

INT. LABORATORY. DAY.
An alarm rings. Randy reaches over and hits the snooze button.

(Fade out)

INT. LABORATORY. DAY. 7 MINUTES LATER
The alarm clock beeps again. Randy and Albert wake up. They each lean up and move to sit at the ends of their respective cots.

A pause.

The two men look at each other. Randy gets up and walks towards the window.

Randy
Man, I'm tired.

Randy begins to aggressively swear under his breath.

Albert
(yawns)
Yeah. Been Rip van Winklin'.

CUE LAUGH TRACK

Randy arrives over to the window. He yawns, and rubs his eyes, then stares out the window in awe. The entire countryside is covered in water. Randy begins to excessively swear again.

Albert gets up and walks over to the window, and his jaw drops when he sees the formerly mountainous landscape covered in water.

Albert
Everyone's dead!

Cue "OOOOOH" laugh track (ex; saved by the bell make-out audience track)

Awkward pause.

The two men turn around and run to the door and grab their fishing poles. They each put on silly hats and fire up two fine Cuban cigars.

Randy / Albert:
"IT'S TIME TO DO SOME FISHING!!"

In a joint action, the men tear off the "Gone Van Winklin' sign together. They turn and give a 'thumbs up' to the screen.

The image freezes, and a sweet Duran Duran track begins to play. Roll Credits.
---

Man, I loved that movie....